Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in noiselich's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
1:37 am	So just now I clicked Post Entry, and it said I had a saved draft, and it asked me if I wanted to see it. This is what came up when I clicked yes: "Step 1: Get blackout drunk Step 2: ???" I have no idea when that's from. Apparently I haven't posted here in 166 weeks. Anyway... I think I made a new friend today. I was buying beer and the clerk was like "I have that synth on your shirt." I was caught off guard and my mind went blank, so I had to look down at my shirt and said "You have a Moog Rogue?" and he said he did! We talked about synths for like 10 minutes, it was kind of nerdy, I guess, but rad nonetheless. Current Music: Joy Division - Isolation (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
4:17 am	Bauhaus/NIN Caught this tour Friday night with the woman. Peaches opened. Garbage. Sex-shock techno-rock with a feminist edge to it. Kind of like Thrill Kill Kult or Lords of Acid, only a lot worse, which says something. Then Bauhaus. The reason I payed $120 for a pair of tickets. I wouldn't shell out all that money for NIN, but who knows if I'll ever get another chance to see Bauhaus. Anyway, they opened the set with Double Dare. Fucking perfect! The guitar sounded nasty as hell, Peter Murphy sounded great! In the Flat Field, Silent Hedges, Rosegarden Funeral of Sores and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember, because I was too pissed at Christine to think straight. You see, about halfway into the second song, the couple two rows ahead of us decides to stand up. Now, this is normal show behavior and there shouldn't be a problem, right? But unfortunately, I don't think too many people in this crowd came to see Bauhaus, nevermind know who they are, so everyone's just kind of sitting around, waiting for NIN to come on. a Quick glance around told me no one else was really standing anywhere else in the place, and I didn't really feel like standing up myself, because that'd be a shitty thing to do to the group of 14 year old kindergoths behind me, who really seemed to be enjoying Bauhaus. I grabbed a few coins from Christ's bag and starting throwing them at the two standing kids, and when I finally got their attention, I motioned for them to sit down. The kid mouths "Fuck you!" and motions for me to stand up. Honestly, this whole thing kind of pissed me off. I could either have center stage blocked by a couple of heads, ruining Bauhaus for myself or do the same thing to a couple of nice young kids behind me. It's a shitty situation and there was no real way to win, so I was gonna take the passive approach suffer, when Christine hands me her coat and gets up. I knew what she was doing, and I didn't like it so I tried to ignore it, watching her out of the corner of my eye. She went up to one of the ticket checkers at the end of the row, and then came back, telling me she got us better seats. She dragged me to the bottom of the section, maybe 10 rows ahead of where we were before, saying the seats were ours until the ticket holders showed up. I was sitting there stewing, pissed off and embarrassed. I hate getting singled out with special treatment, and I hate even more the idea of running to an authority figure with my problems. I would rather sit there with some jerks' heads in my way than make someone else handle a problem that I didn't have the balls to deal with directly. So I was sitting there too angry to think straight, nevermind be able to enjoy Bauhaus. Angry at those two kids for putting me in a situation where I felt powerless, angry at my girlfriend for crying for help, and angry with myself for being unable to do anything, angry and embarrassed at being singled out, acting like I deserved something better than the dopes between us and the kids standing. Around the end of the set (they ended with Ziggy Stardust!) I looked over at her, realized she was having a great time, and thought to myself "Hey, I'm sitting here seeing Bauhaus and then NIN, with the chick I love, and now our seats are even better than the ones I paid for... Why the fuck am I ruining it by being pissy?" After that it got a lot easier to enjoy. She seemed so happy that I really couldn't be mad. So gooey and romantic, huh? My only complaint about Bauhaus themselves was they didn't play Terror Couple Kill Colonel or even Bela Lugosi's Dead. I love TCKC and figured for sure both songs would get played, being more popular tracks and all. And really, it wasn't such a big deal. The parts of the set I paid attention to and really remember were great. I saw Bauhaus live, and they rocked. NIN took a while to set up, and we figured for sure we'd have to give up the good seats and go back to our own, but it never happened. They ended up coming in about 15 minutes into the set, and the ticket lady just set up another pair of chairs next to us. We never lost the seats. NIN was pretty good, but I think Christine enjoyed it a lot more than I did. They played a lot off PHM, which made me happy. That album's just so much more fun to scream along with than any of the other stuff. Down In It, Into the Void, Closer, Head Like a Hole, They played all my favorites. Shockingly though, no Perfect Drug. Didn't bother me, I don't particularly care for the song, but whenever someone asks for a favorite NIN track, that's the one everybody mentions. Hurt seemed particularly bad. I don't think that kind of song should be played live. It seems too emotional and personal. Like, the whole charm of the song relies on Trent pouring out his soul or whatever, and I think playing that song live every night just comes off as insincere. I mean, he's not feeling the things now that he's feeling when he wrote that. I know that probably seems silly, but it just didn't feel right. Not that I like the song much anyway. In conclusion, NIN was entertaining. I wouldn't pay $60 to see them again, but I don't regret having done it, either. All in all, once I was able to swallow my pride a bit it was a really good night. Looking back, I had a great time and I think Christine liked it even more than I did. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Mammal - Dead to Me (Comment on this)
Monday, June 5th, 2006
2:32 am	post I'm really excited about Cabin In the Woods '06. It's gonna be a fun weekend. The night before the campout Christine and I will be seeing Bauhaus open for NIN. Current Music: Daft Punk live at Coachella (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
12:17 am	poor financial decision http://cgi.ebay.com/MINT-Realistic-Moog-MG-1_W0QQitemZ7391146536QQcategoryZ38071QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem so ah, look what i just bought. i know, i know, most of you are probably thinking, "but kyle, didn't you just buy a $400+ synth last month?" and you're right, i did. but i mean, that's a good price, i can always resell it for more, because it's a fucking MOOG! i figure, when it comes in, i can play around with it for a while, then decide whether i like it more than the MS-10, and sell whichever one doesn't come out on top (for more than i paid for it, of course!) either way, i still end up with a decent little analog synth, and maybe a little extra money. ... and it's a fucking MOOG!!! Current Mood: excited Current Music: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
11:20 pm	update i keep meaning to update this thing. i got White Stripes tickets this morning as soon as they went on sale. front row, left center at the PPAC in september. i can't wait. been listening to them a lot lately. i picked up Elefant on a whim, fell in love with it and then over the course of a month or so, picked up every other one of their releases, then got the new one when it came out a couple weeks ago. Jack White is a clever, intelligent lyricist, he's got a great voice, and the music he writes is incredible while still being really simple and minimal. the Stripes do more with a guitar, a piano and a simple drum set-up than most full bands end up doing. the music is familiar... heavily influenced by blues and classic rock, among other things, and yet still manages to be original and unique. i've been meaning to make a mix CD of my favorite Stripes songs to give anyone that scoffs at me liking them. Christine and i are going away next weekend. going to upstate NY to see Howe Caverns and some other stuff. that's going to be a lot of fun, getting away from everything for a few days. i got thrown out of my house a few months ago and have been living with pat since then. his parents are letting me stay in his old bedroom, for those familiar with his house. it's nice being out of that stressful environment at home. still working at shaw's at night, but now i'm working days at Peter Pots Pottery in West Kingston. i make pottery. it's a pretty cool, low-pressure job. justin's working there with me. our boss is an eccentric 79 year old with tons of money, and i think he's basically just keeping us around as entertainment more than as real employees. he's definitely paying us more than we're taking in with sales. i think the job is the only thing keeping him alive and in good health. it gives him a reason to keep on going, so i don't think he'll close it down until he runs out of money (which won't happen) or he drops dead. a pretty boring, lifeless entry, but it's an update for those of you that want to know what's going on in my life. also, next month i'll be 20, so i'll no longer be a hateful teenager. add my new screenname, voltage ctrl, to your buddy list, if you care. Current Mood: blank Current Music: X-Men Cartoon (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
9:46 pm	update well, i haven't updated this thing in forever. i bought a chair the other day. it's big, green and ugly. it's like what you'd get if you cut the sides off a couch, leaving only the middle cushion. it's pretty cool. the locust is coming to the living room in providence on april 12th with the daughters. i expect to see all of you there. i've been feeling really nostalgic about high school lately... talking to people i used to know, reading old blogs, that kind of thing. it's stupid. i really don't have anything to say here. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: adult. - glue your eyelids together (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
2:17 am	home i just spent two weeks living with my girlfriend at her house while her parents were away. it was incredible. i'm not going to go into much detail, because you don't want to read it. we watched a lot of movies, used a lot of condoms and took a lot of showers. time well spent. anyway, i'm sad to see it end. i'm home now, and my nose won't stop running and my stomach is killing me. but don't get me wrong, i'm happy. it was such a cool experience. Current Mood: calm Current Music: joy division - she's lost control (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
9:41 pm	nothing it seems like once every day or couple of days, i'll open up a browser window, log into livejournal, and go completely blank. i've actually had a lot of stuff to talk about, too. i've been thinking a lot about nihilism and the utter lack of importance of my, and everyone else's, existence lately. ( conversation with alia ) christine and i hit one year on the sixth of this month. i obviously wasn't in the most positive mood that day, as you can tell from the conversation. i think i was tired and miserable. i actually thought about calling her and trying to figure something out where we could reschedule the date. that's how shitty i felt. i ended up getting myself under control and going to see her, and took her out for a really nice dinner at a restaurant called the hideaway. it's a great place... i love it there. it's sitting right on a swampy marsh, with huge windows all over. the attraction is that there are animals in the marsh. they have birdfeeders, and probably leave out salt licks or cornmeal for deer. christine and i spent dinner watching a fat little woodchuck happily chew away at some plant. after that, we ended up walking around the beach until i hurt my neck jumping over a fence. once i realized my neck wasn't just going to stop hurting, we rented kill bill and went back to her basement and just curled up and watched it. all in all, it was a really nice night. i'm glad i got over whatever was bothering me. i was trying to avoid putting mundane day to day "then i did this, then i did this, then i did this" stuff in here, but that was a special night, and i think it deserves recording. kind of relating to all the nihilistic thoughts i've been having lately, i'm more inspired than ever to do something musically. i guess i just figure that if i make enough music to put on a CD, and then get that CD published, and then someone buys that CD, i've made a pretty big mark on the world... even if it only sells 20 copies. i've got something that exists; tangible proof that says "kyle cassidy existed in the year 2004." like, it must feel amazing to hold something like that in your hands that you know you created yourself, and will outlive you. that's why i really hope georgia gets her children's book published. she might not look at things the same way i do, but no matter how you look at it, it's got to be a good feeling. i don't know if i ever mentioned in here that i got a drum machine. i traded some pedals and $60 for it. it's a boss dr-202. nothing, special... in fact, it's kind of crappy. i don't care, though. it'll suit the purposes for which it will be used: heavily distorted powernoise rhythms and ultra-minimal synthpop patterns. for my birthday later this month, christine bought me a synth. it's the korg electribe A, original version, not the mkII. similar to the drum machine (although not nearly as junky) it's just a small box with a limited number of features and some decent sounds. it'll do just fine. i can't wait to play with it. it's capable of all kinds of stuff... everything from pop to noise, so i think it will be perfect for me. i wrecked my car a couple of weeks ago. shitty. like, fucking totaled the thing. now i need to pay off the loan for it and take out another one to buy another car. ultra-shitty. i hate owing money. it gives me the same feeling i'd get in middle school when the teacher was going around collecting homework and i knew i didn't have it. just a kind of guilty dread. christine's parents are gone for about two weeks, and thursday night, i'm going to her house. i got next week off from work, so i'm going to stay with christine for over a week. i'm so excited. it's going to be an awesome week. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Local H - California Songs (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
11:04 pm	sprite i was just eating some crackers and i got thirsty, and not wanting water, i opened up a can of sprite. i drank some, then my mom poured some of it into a glass for herself, and then i drank some more. eventually i realized (again) that soda sucks, so i poured about a third of a can down the sink. i know in about 5 minutes i'm going to be thinking to myself "gee, i wish i had some soda to wash that gross soda taste out of my mouth." (Comment on this)
Monday, June 21st, 2004
12:47 am	sore i can hardly bend my legs and it hurts to walk. my arms hurt too. i don't know if it's from the giant nerfwar before D&D last night or spending all of yesterday with christine naked in an empty house. either way, it was all so worth it. Current Mood: sore Current Music: the postal service - brand new colony (Comment on this)
Monday, June 14th, 2004
4:09 pm	campout preston's campout was a lot of fun. christine seemed to enjoy it too, which i'm glad about. i think she was worried that not knowing anyone would make it suck, but like i kept assuring her before the campout and at the beginning, everyone was extremely friendly and nice. it's such a cool group of people. Current Mood: tired Current Music: depeche mode - personal jesus (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
1:14 am	soma i think i'm really unhappy with my life, for a lot of reasons. some of them i could probably fix if i tried, others beyond my control and thus i should stop stressing over them, and others that i simply have no idea how to deal with. first of all, there's christine. i love her. she... i don't know. i have a hard time expressing how i feel about her. when i'm with her, i'm almost always happy. on the few occasions i'm with her and not happy, it's because of outside forces and not her. the problem is that i think she's stunting my growth as a person, or at least making it really, really easy for me to do it to myself. like i said, when i'm with her, i'm happy. when i'm not, all i'm thinking about is when i'm going to see her next, and how pretty she looks when she smiles, and how nice it is to just curl up on her couch with her. i don't think about things like getting my oil changed in my car, figuring out what i want to do about school, how i'm going to pay my insurance payment in september or how i could support myself if i were to move out of here. all i want to do is be with christine, all the time. not worrying about anything, not being interfered with in the least. just the two of us, living in a bubble, far, far away from everything. isn't that fucked up? now, i'm probably not making sense here. what i'm saying is that because christine makes me happy, i stop caring about anything else. i don't have any friends anymore. i can't remember the last time i talked to ian or justin, and the only reason i've seen pat is D&D. i don't make an effort to figure out how to apply for CCRI, because i know if i'm trying to juggle school and work, i'll have no time for a girlfriend... especially not a girlfriend that lives 45 minutes away in another state. i don't look for a better job, because i worry that were i to get a full time job or a second part time job, i'd have far less time to see christine. i once joked months ago that she was like a drug to me. it's scary how right i was. in acknowledging that she's my drug, i hope i've made it clear that i don't blame her for any of this. i know it's my own fault. i don't care how hard it is to stop drinking or shooting heroin or whatever, it's still the alcoholic's or junkie's own fault each time he opens another beer or injects another needle. i think i'm pretty much just a weak-willed person. i hate introspection. if i look inside and see something wrong, and then do nothing to fix it, i feel guilty. i'm fucking myself; ruining my life. but the thing is, i have no idea what to do about anything that's going on in my life. i don't know how deal with things. i wish i just had something or someone to help me get myself out of this hole i've been digging. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: ratatat - seventeen years (Comment on this)
Monday, May 31st, 2004
11:54 pm	dork i got a drum machine the other day! it's a little Boss Dr-202. just the basic sampled drums, but it's got some decent bass sounds too, plus knobs! like 6 knobs for realtime tweaking. i don't have a manual, but i've already figured out enough of the interface that i can make patterns. i love the TR-808 sounds... the kick! and the cowbell! now all i need is a synth. and a mixer. then something to record with. then something else, etc. what else? i saw the Locust live! it was amazing. i'm not going into detail, because there'd be too much, but it was big for me. somewhere between an alien abduction and a religious experience. it both inspired me and crushed my dreams. after the locust played, we left. we actually ended up meeting the keyboardist in an alley. he was putting away his gear, and he signed a shirt for me and let me touch one of his Moogs. that was cool. i got a Ladytron CD in providence after the show. i didn't like it all that much at first, but it grew on me. i think it took me so much time to get into because it's so subtle. like, everything's so mellow and kind of dreamy. it's really pretty music, but i think i appreciate it more than a lot of people might just because i'm a dork. so much cool synthwork, and it's all so simple, too. anyway, i've been listening to this an awful lot. i also got the new Skinny Puppy CD. i am not impressed. it sounds somewhere between Ohgr and Download, but not really in a good way. at least one of the songs is even generic Metropolis-style futurepop. i dunno, maybe it'll grow on me. i don't hate it or anything, there are some parts i really like. it's just not as cool as it could have been. also, D&D stuff going on. i'm joining Doug's game soon, and we're trying to set up a tournament. that's going to be really, really cool. it's nice to be thinking about D&D again. i might even have to start reading more fantasy again. i was reading a lot of Forgotten Realms for a while, then i just kind of stopped. i think the stop might have coincided with Preston's game ending, but maybe not. i'm wrapping up this entry now. maybe i'll update again soon. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: ladytron - discotrax (Comment on this)
Monday, May 17th, 2004
9:23 pm	pops hateful teenager: i got in a huge argument with him today, because he mentioned something about gay marriage being legal in mass, and he made it sound like a bad thing, so i mentioned that i didn't understand how he could see it that way hateful teenager: it was funny hateful teenager: "it's not natural! if you call a dog a pig, does it make it a pig?" hateful teenager: "dad, i don't understand what you're saying" hateful teenager: "you're opening up pandora's box, when anything goes it'll be chaos" Tassadara C: ha. hateful teenager: "dad, what?" hateful teenager: "these people want to throw it in our faces... they want us to rewrite the bible" hateful teenager: "no they don't, dad" hateful teenager: like, he just shouted a bunch of things at me, and none of them made sense, most had nothing to do with gay marriage, and some even contradicted each other Tassadara C: wow. hateful teenager: yeah hateful teenager: that's my dad Current Music: Kraftwerk - Pocket Calculator (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 13th, 2004
10:49 pm	radio yesterday was wednesday. wednesday afternoons, there's a radio show on WRIU called Redrum Radio. the DJ plays lots of cool rock... it's a good show, from 1 to 3 PM. today is thursday. thursday nights, from 9 PM to midnight, there's another show on WRIU called When Robots Cry. the DJ plays all kinds of cool electropop and synthrock and stuff. so yesterday i went to christine's in the early afternoon. i thought it was thursday, so i didn't know to listen to Redrum Radio. then at some point, christine told me it was actually wednesday, and i realized i missed the show. damn. somehow after that i managed to forget it was wednesday, and i was really looking forward to my ride home, because i thought it was thursday and i could listen to When Robots Cry. i got in my car, and got within range of WRIU, then realized a shitty emo show was on. now it's thursday, and When Robots Cry is on, but my only radio is in my room, and i'm online and watching adult swim, so i'm not going to bother listening. isn't that stupid? Current Mood: dorky Current Music: moog cookbook - buddy holly (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
9:08 pm	catharsis i felt a lot better after typing all that out the other night, but i can't decide whether that's a good thing or not. i mean, i felt better. that's obviously good... but the problems still exist whether i'm letting them make me miserable, or coasting along ignoring them. i'm afraid that if i stop letting my problems bother me, i'll do nothing to fix them, as opposed to the very little i do now. i don't know, i'm probably not even making sense. my first day in deli was today. it was a lot busier than i'm used to. working in the grocery department, i could go at my own pace. now i go at the customer's pace. it's a lot different, and i can't decide if i like it or not. and i smell like meat, which isn't cool. hopefully i get that carpet cleaning job. (Comment on this)
1:04 am	angst i've been really hesitant to update this thing because i don't want just another angst-fest like my blog always ended up. of course, the only time i ever feel like updating is when i'm feeling horribly angsty. what the fuck. i know i'm going to regret this, but here we go. i've realized lately that i'm fairly cold. i don't think i really love anyone except for christine, and sometimes i'm even kind of unsure about that. with the exception of christine, i don't really have a deep bond with anyone... i feel no attachment to my family. i feel horrible saying this, but it's true. i don't really care that much about any of them anymore. not nearly as much as i probably should, anyway. my friends... well, i don't know. i was reading georgia's blog last night, and i noticed that she cares an awful lot about all her friends, and they all care about her, too. my friends are all assholes. pat's pat, justin's justin and ian's ian. i mean, yeah, ian and i used to be good friends, and even now we get along alright, but i think we're both too concerned about ourselves and our own problems to really give a damn about each other's. and on to my next topic, i see everyone in my life heading in some direction. maybe they don't know what they want to do, but they have an idea, a place to start. then i look at myself and realize there isn't anything i want to do. nothing realistic, anyway. i mean, fuck, i'm working part time at shaw's, my bank account's practically empty, i have no ambition, no direction, i don't even have any will to keep on going. the only things that stops me from thinking deeply enough about suicide that i'd actually try killing myself are the thought of how my death would affect christine and my mother and fear of fucking up and not actually dying. i spent my whole life having things handed to me. everything i've ever achieved, every job i've ever had, ever dollar i've earned, every paper i handed in, and every chore i've done, i've only done because someone was behind me making sure i was doing it. now that i'm an adult, i'm expected to do things without someone pushing me, and i'm having an awful lot of trouble with it. i can't stand myself, and then i don't try to fix anything that's wrong with me, and then that makes me hate myself even more. it's such a downward spiral. i don't know how to get myself out of this mess, either. i start working in the deli tomorrow. i worked my last grocery night shift saturday night. i'm worried i'm going to hate the deli. i had an interview for a carpet cleaning place today. i don't know how well it went. the guy was really nice and enthusiastic, and i was my usual anti-social, nervous self. i asked a couple of people to wish me luck, but the more i think about it, the less i believe in luck. if i blew the interview, it was my own fault. everything was in my favor... the guy was as friendly and as talkative as possible. if i don't get the job, it's because i wasn't friendly enough, or positive enough during the interview, not because i was unlucky. i was planning on adding ian, pat, christ, georgia, justin and preston to my friends list, but after typing out this entry, it'd feel too much like a cry for attention. i guess i'm still keeping it on the down-low. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: coil - scatology (Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2004
5:06 pm	livejournal alright. i decided to make a livejournal. my girlfriend has one, all my friends have 'em, and according to the lj home page, 2335910 other people have them. that's not why i'm doing this, though. i'm sick of my blog. i guess i just want something new. a clean slate. my original intent was to just register so i could add the other journals i read to my friends page, so i could read them all at once. now, though, i'm starting to think i might try to keep it on the down-low for a while, and actually write in it. Current Mood: blank Current Music: joy division - love will tear us apart (Comment on this)